Sunday, May 24

shredding it: day one (hello jillian!)


i started Day One of jillian michaels' workout dvd yesterday
and i gotta say this, she DID kick my butt!
i was at the gym for almost a month before i even started with jillian's
workout so i didn't actually expect to have a hard time with her
but when i started with her moves, i gotta burns.
her routines were not even hard at all. they were actually pretty
simple and basic.
but what keeps it burning is that she never let you stop.
i can't even believe how she managed to workout AND talk at the same time!
its a continuous 20+ minute workout that alternates cardio, strength
and abs.

on the other side, i realized that maybe i was using the wrong hand
weights. i currently have a pair of 3-kg weights that is roughly equivalent
to around 6.6 lbs.
of course, with a body like mine, those are just pretty okay and light.
but when i used them while doing the shred moves, dang!
seemed like they're more than enough.

but i dunno. i'll be shredding again tonight so we'll see.
and this time, i hope i'll be shredding in peace ---without a
two-year old screaming on the side or riding on my back while
i do the push-ups!

so help me God...

Friday, May 22

ME? getting married?!? hmmm...

warning: emo post ahead... =) you have been warned.

every now and then people would ask me,
"don't you wanna get married someday?"
and almost all the time, they won't get a straight answer.

oftentimes, i would give them some long, excruciating
details why i don't ever want to get married.
and sometimes i would tell them some of the many
reasons why i want and need to get married.
but most of the time, all they can get from me is some
form of body language...

a sigh
a nod
a confused look
a wink
a raised eyebrow
rolling eyes (my faverit)

or simply a shrug.

'coz no matter what type of body language i used in a particular time,
i realized that at the end of of the day, the real answer all comes down to...


you know, God has blessed me with so many things.
some of them were great, while the rest are just what others
would consider petty stuff.

but for me, life is so good right now.
of course there are STILL those times
that i get pissed off with this or got freaked off by that.
but i didn't care. at least not for long.
trust me, almost ALL the time i worry about
cash and food and (future) school and stuff.
and on some random emo moments i worry and find
myself lonely and unloved.

but then when i look up,i see a roof over my our heads and
around us is a loving family for E, i dunno. but during these
times i just find it hard to complain.

i mean, OF COURSE there are still times that i longed and
wished and hoped for a man* to sweep me off my (calloused) feet. ;)

...a man to sit beside me while we take pictures of E and his firsts
...a man to hold E's hands and guide him while he learns how to bike
...a man to taste and fall inlove with the recipes that i'll make
...a man to hold my hand everytime i cross the street
...a man who'll hold E while they run up to me when i come home
...a man to kiss me on the cheek, call me at work and hold me
in his arms while we sleep
...a man who'll grow old with me

...and a man who'll look into my eyes and whisper those 3 words...

trust me, i can go on and on with this but i wouldn't 'coz i know
you got my point. :D

what im trying to say is that, there are those times that i do want a man.
and even more times that i need a man.

but don't get me wrong. i didn't say that i needed a man to
what i need is a man to share MY HAPPINESS with. to share the joys,
the pains and everything about life itself.

so if you'll ask me again, do i wanna get married someday?
still, i don't know.

E is my top priority so unless i find a man who would love and take
good care of E (and me) and who would truly respect me and would
stand up for me and be true to me and would make us laugh (hard!)
and sweep us off our feet, maybe i won't be getting married. ever.

maybe im (we're) better off without another man.

but still, i don't know. WE"LL NEVER KNOW... =)

*if u noticed, i used "man" instead of "guy" or "boy" or sumtin', it
is because that is EXACTLY what i need/want...a REAL MAN. hehe

Monday, May 18

...things that changed

...when i became a mom

2. i became a shopaholic. (slight)

for kid stuff!
trust me, LOTS of things changed when i became a mom.
but never in a million years did i imagine this to be included in that list.
i was never into shopping before.
i even had some personal stuff and clothes from waaay back in college that i still use and wear,all because i don't shop for new ones AND i don't have the luxury to do so.

but the thing is, when it comes to E (ezra) i tend to spend way MORE than i can afford!
like i said, i was never into shopping before so im used to having just a
little cash everytime i go out. and guess what? i didn't have any problem
with it whatsoever.
but now, i realized, a little cash won't do no good everytime we go out.
i need to have at least more than enough for transpo, food, kiddie rides,
rent for car/stroller ride, snacks here and there, and for some random
kid stuff/clothes/toy that we might lay our eyes on along the way. (heh!)
so with all that, sadly, some little cash just won't do anymore.

lemme tell u story...
yesterday, as usual we went out for our usual sunday bonding time.
we heard mass first then went to the usual kiddie friendly mall in town (sm)
take note that i made a shopping list before we went out, that way i won't
go over budget (im starting to follow this trick in the hopes of achieving one
of my primary save.)
anyway, we had dinner first (included in the budget, good)
and then he had a few kiddie rides (ok, still in the budget :D)
and then we had some snacks afterwards (good, still there.)
went to the grocery for the usual stuff (milk, etc.)
and then we went on shopping for some stuff that he needs (still included)
and then, i went on and checked some other stuff...
...then i had him fit on some more stuff...
and then, before i know it, i found myself in the counter paying for SIX more items
than what i initially planned to buy.
all of which were NOT included in my initial shopping list! :(

so there guys.
when i became a mom, i turned into a shopaholic. tsk, tsk...
oh, well. lets just hope that E won't grow up so fast.
that way he can still wear those stuff much longer! hehe

ps: if you want more proof, check out my credit card bill! hehe
we can't help it. sometimes we find ourselves at the right place
(with a lot of stuff on sale or sumtin')
but at the wrong time, i just couldn't help but charge it!
damn! writing that made me feel even worse! ugh. :((

Thursday, May 14


YEP! it was confirmed.
i DID lost five freakin' pounds! (yay!) and not just that, i think i lost MORE than 5 lbs.
it wasn't a digital scale so i find it hard to get the exact reading.
whew! those breath-taking aerobics and cardio plus program did work out for me.
anyway, like i said, im gonna try this workout program in a few days for 30 straight days
and also, im gonna be posting some regular updates on that one, so better stick around!
til then... ciao! :)

Tuesday, May 12

Getting Fit: An update

alrightee. im gonna keep this short and sweet. :)

i know i didn't give you my starting stats when i started this getting fit
journey (sorry 'bout that)
but still, i wasn't able to get those numbers ready.
when i enrolled at the gym, they took my measurements and all but
unfortunately, i don't remember them.
but don't worry, il try to take get them soon and post 'em here, alryt?

anyway, off to the update.
i stepped on the scale last night and if the scale wasn't playing with me,
im happy to share that i lost almost five freaking pounds (5 lbs!)! hehe
my starting weight was taken mid april (april 17)
and being at the gym (although, off and on) for almost a month
took five pounds off my bod! (yay!)

anyway, since work is hard and ive been having problems sneaking off
afterwork to visit the gym, i decided to try another form of workout.
so, by next week, im gonna try the most talked-about jillian micheals
30 day shred workout!
what's great about it is that each workout session takes only about 20
minutes of your precious time.
and this, my friends, is especially important for me as a busy working
single mom.

so anyway, i am sooooo excited to try it out already.
and il be getting my tools by the end of the week (weights, yoga mat, etc.)
and since this is a 30 day shred, il be doing this starting next week
for the next 30 days (duh), and we'll see about the results by then! heh

and don't worry, il be posting some pictures too, if i can. :)

so that's it. my random update! 'till next time. ciao!

Wednesday, May 6

throw that tantrum!

lemme share with you an article i stumbled upon earlier tonight.
all parents get to experience this behavior at certain stages of our child's some point, we find ourselves so helpless and short-tempered
that scenarios like these often end up ugly for both the child and the parent.
personally, i am guilty of this. oftentimes, i just give in to the punk's demand just so he
would stop whining and shut up. and i admit, there's almost always the guilt afterwards.
but anyway, here's one of the thousands of articles online that can help you deal
with those dreaded tantrums.

by Gopi Patel of Ebeanstalk

The truth is tantrums are a LEARNED behavior. Even if it just happens once
the child learns that when I cry, scream, throw myself on the floor—kicking
and arms in every direction, “I WILL GET MY WAY”.

Tantrums usually occur when a child wants something and is frustrated because
she can’t have it right away. When this happens parents usually give into the
tantrum because they feel helpless. The problem is that as time goes by, with each
episode the tantrums often get worse in their intensity, duration, and frequency.

To rid our world of tantrums, we as parents need not only learn how to deal
with them once they occur, but identify a potential tantrum before it has begun.

Before the tantrum: The tell-tale signs of an on-coming tantrum are often
whining, talking in a baby voice, repeating phrases over and over again, all with
the intention to get his or her way. When the signs first appear say to your child
(in business like voice),

“use your big boy/girl voice and then I can talk to you”. If your child then asks
for the same thing simply state, “you cannot have that right now. We are done
talking about this now.” Repeat this as many times as necessary. Do not give in
to them.

The tantrum has begun: Once a tantrum has begun walk out of the room or
area you are in and ignore your child (if at home it often helps to go in a room
where she cannot join you such as the bathroom/bedroom). If your child grabs
on to you simply ignore them and go on with your task. If the tantrum starts
getting severe in intensity where the child could hurt herself, others, or the
environment— immediately remove her to a safe time out area. Then, simply
state to her, “when you are quiet and ready to be with me I will come get you”.
(It should be noted that a child should always know what your time out procedure
is, before this is attempted).

Never give in because you feel your child has been in the time out too long. You are
not a horrible parent if you let your child tantrum for a long period of time. Your
child, just like you, is learning a new way of dealing with behaviors and consequences.

After the tantrum: once your child has been quiet for a couple minutes go to
her and say “I am glad you are ready”/”I am glad to see you happy again”. At this
point parents often get caught up in talking about the episode that triggered the
tantrum, instead of dwelling on this, move on to the next activity or task. If she
begins to cry and tantrum again—simply start the process all over again.

Here are some suggestions that have helped many of the families that I have
worked with. It should be noted that the parents who were most successful in
preventing tantrums dealt with these events in the most CONSISTENT manner.
Every family is different, and unique, but every child needs LOVE, CONSISTENCY,
and a POSITIVE ENVIRONMENT to grow in to his/her fullest potential.

Helpful Hints for Dealing with Tantrums:

  • Before doing a time a time out have a clear procedure for this place.
  • Make sure it is in a safe place.
  • Parents should be in control of the situation, not their child
    Both parents should work together to achieve results faster. (No good cop bad cop.)
  • Do not start talking about the tantrum as soon as it has ended — talk about it
  • at a later, if you must.
  • State things a little bit differently—rather than stating what your child should
  • NOT be doing, state what they can be doing (a child running around—instead
  • of: “STOP running” say: “Use your walking feet”)
  • Tell your children before the task or activity what the rules are, what you
  • expect from him or her.
  • Be calm and in control of yourself — these situations can at times get intense.
  • The best way to eliminate tantrums before they even begin is to
  • positively reinforce your children. Tell them as often as you can
  • what a great job they are doing—even if the task is simple.

there you have it.
but remember, although consistency in a child's behavioral training is an important
point for good results, your unconditional love and endless patience will always be
your most vital tools.

Wednesday, April 8

pursuit of happyness

last night, i've read a few inspiring stories that i thought were too beautiful
and inspiring not to share.

some of you (who have read my posts) might have noticed that most of my past
entries were grounded on life's anxieties and worries. some were even focused
on complaints and (unnecessary) rants.

take for example this post.

but now, after some inspiring stories and posts from one of the most inspiring
preacher i know, i've come to really accept and believe a well-preached
and known fact:

happiness is, and always be, a CHOICE.

no matter what you have or where you are or what you are or whatever life
throws at you, the choice to be happy is totally yours. and under any
circumstance you can be happy if you allow yourself to feel it.

lemme tell you story...
One morning, a woman was sad when she faced the mirror. She discovered
she only had 3 strands of hair on her head. Suddenly, she smiled. “Today,” she
said, “I’ll braid my hair!” And after doing so, she walked out of her home and
had fun, fun, fun.

The next morning, the woman woke up and felt sad as she saw the mirror.
She discovered she only had 2 strands of hair. Suddenly, she smiled. “Today,”
she said, “I’ll part my hair in the middle.” After she did that, she walked out of
her home and had fun, fun, fun.

The next morning, the woman woke up and felt sad as she saw the mirror. She
discovered she only had 1 strand of hair left. Suddenly, she smiled. “Today,”
she said, “I’ll wear my hair in a ponytail.” After she did that, she walked out
of her home and had fun, fun, fun.

The next morning, the woman woke up and felt sad as she saw the mirror.
She discovered she had zero hair left. Suddenly, she smiled. “Yeepee!” she
shouted in glee, “I don’t have to do my hair today!” Immediately, she walked
out of her home and had fun, fun, fun.

see? it is (supposed to be) NEVER about what you have, or what you DON'T
have. it is how you see and perceive and take what is infront of
you. it is (supposed to be) never about having less or wanting more.

from what i've learned, all the good things that might make one happy are just
what we call pleasures. they are there to make you feel good or comfortable,
to make you less stressed or less worried (like wealth, or example). but attaining these
pleasures doesn't necessarily equate happiness. happiness is an inner choice.

having said all that, i would like you to know that my views have changed. a lot.
im not saying that im totally cool with getting stuck in this corner of the earth
for the rest of my life. OF COURSE, i still want to travel. to go places and exprience
things. that didn't change. but what changed is the way i SEE things. the way i
see this wanting. i no longer see this as a crossed-out thing in my to-do-list,
or a dream that will be shift-deleted.

what i see now is a great pleasure that i want to experience. and whether or not
achieving this pleasure will bring me joy and make me happy is all up to ME.

another thing i realized is that, i dont really need to fly to far away places to
achieve this bliss. well, maybe it'll be more fun but that still doesn't ensure me
happiness, does it? i don't really need to go to singapore or rome in a blink of an
eye for me to realize this wanting, right? what i'll do is to just take it one step,
one place, at a time. which brings me to another great lesson,

bite-size your dreams

yup. no matter how big or great your dream or wanting is, sometimes all it takes
for you to fullfill them is by resizing them. bite-size them.
this doesn't mean you have to lower your goals or your dreams, it means attaining
them piece by piece. you can't eat a whole pizza in one take, can you? you
practically have to take them one slice and one bite at a time. of course it will
take longer than what you have wished for but still, the fact that you achieved it
is what matters. and besides, think of the fun, the lessons and the great things
you experienced along the way, wouldn't they be all worth it? =)

so there you go...
just a piece of my mind. my two cents. hehe
and just for the record, ive already found my happiness. life's little pleasures are
no match to this ultimate creature that puts a smile in my heart everyday. hehe
these little pleasures are just there to add more spice and fun to this happyness.
also, i realized we don't have travel the world within 80 days, but instead we'll travel
it for the rest of our lives! :) im talking years guys. think of all the people we'd meet,
places we'd go to, ferrys and flights we'd be in, markets and shops we'd explore,
et cetera. :D

why do we have to fly straight out to the Bahamas if we have yet to see for ourselves
the sugarwhite sand beaches of boracay...or bantayan? RIGHT?

and guess what? we're off to bantayan tomorrow! WHAT UP???! (haha!)
i know you guys have been there N times but so what? it'll be our (mine & ezra's)
first trip to bantayan. hehe :)

remember guys, one step, one place at a time.
oh, and bora might be next. hehe we'll see... :D

Have a blessed holy week guys!!!! =)

ps: btw, i love that movie! hehe

pps: sorry that was long! :D

Wednesday, March 11

goals, goals, goals

wanna keep these on the record.
at least i'll have a reminder in black and white.

1. save.

ive had this savings account that i wanted to dedicate for emergency/child fund.
i did saved up for a moment, but before i know it almost all the money's gone.
better start saving up again ASAP.

2. pay debts

i have credit card debts. im not ashamed to admit it. (well, slightly. )
you can't blame me. im a single mom and my pay sucks.
sometimes i ran out of cash. it happens. and it happens a LOT.
so where do you think i ran to? the magic card.
but im gonna pay off those debts before its too late. hopefully.

3. lose weight, be healthy, stay fit

again, im a single mom. and my baby is two years old.
and i can't even begin to imagine if something not good will happen to me.
gotta do it. and besides, a lighter and sexier me looks much better right? :D

okey. that will be all for NOW.
il get back to you when i can think of some more.
as if these 3 are not enough... :D

goodluck to me!

Tuesday, March 10

this is one of those times.

i always blab about the things i love
about being a mom and the things that
changed when i became one. but i realized,
all this time i've been brushing off the things
that i missed and missed out.
the things that i should be doing,
the things that i could've done,
and the things that i could do
if i didn't become one.

one of these things is traveling.

every now and then i hear stories from
relatives, friends, classmates, and
acquaintances about their journeys
around the country and around world.
they show off pictures, videos, souvenirs
and memories from these travels.

some of them get to work at far and
foreign places, experiencing other cultures,
meeting other people, learning new things,
exploring new things, experiencing
anything and their lives.

then i look at myself.
i think of the things i have done
things that i haven't accomplished
things that ive wanted to do
places that ive wanted to go
experiences that ive wanted to go through.

and i sigh.

i realized i missed out on a LOT of things.
and i admit, i envy them. i honestly do.
especially when im feeling lonely. and
alone. and tired. and stressed. and pissed.
i just can't help but be envious of them.

their capacity to make rush decisions for
themselves (and for themselves alone). to
travel. to see things. to explore things. to
live their dreams. to go for what they love.

i know what i am and where i am now was
MY move. i know things would've been
different if ive done things differently.

but then i realize, God has bigger (and
smarter) plans. plans that we didn't realize
that are perfect for us. he sees the bigger
picture while we focus on a spot. we view
what we thought is the end, when God
knows it was only a bend. and with that,
these feelings start to go away. not totally
though, but it fades. slowly. (at least until
im stressed again. ugh)

but in spite of all these, i still realize that
nothing in the world will make me regret
having my son. even the things i missed
out, the experiences i won't go though,
places i may never go to, and a life i may
never live.

'coz now, no matter how dull and plain
life is, i would never ever trade it
for the world.

and maybe that's what l-o-v-e is all about.
and sacrifice.
i may not have experienced the romantic
(or intimate) version of it, but i know i
have it in me...and not anywhere else.

ps: but hey, im 24. WE CAN still go places.
things might be more complicated in our
case but we'll never know. mommy just
have to work harder and then, off we go! :D

Tuesday, March 3

so you think you won?

you know how some people say that in
every breakup there's always a winner
and a loser?

maybe there really is.

sometimes you feel--and you just know--
that you ARE the luckiest and happiest
person on earth.

and it feels like you did win.

but on some days when shit happens,
you just feel otherwise.

sadly. this is one of those days.


Get it started!


i don't know when. or how.
but i know i'll get it started.
and im gonna get it started SOON.

so please, just stay with me.
coz trust me, im gonna need ALL the help (and encouragement) i can get.

Sunday, February 8

Look at me Mom!

isn't he adorable? :D

The AFTER look

a lot fresher, right?

i know, i know. his hair is a bit messy on that shot. he just finished doing some dives and flips
on our bed. hence, the messy hair. but if he was behave, you can see that the haircut actually
fits him. his face looks fresher, chubbier, and more manly(?).

oh and, his scratches are starting to heal. i still have to apply some cream though,
for them to totally heal. :)

Saturday, February 7

Finally, a decent CUT


after sometime, i finally found the extra time to actually bring ezra back to the
salon for a decent haircut.
for the past week or so, he's been starting to have allergic reactions to this long hair.
it has already grown past his ears that they start to get itchy that he got some
scratches in both ears.

so this afternoon, we're heading to the salon to get him another fair cut.
hopefully, all these scratches will heal and he'll feel better and a lot fresher.

oh, and here's his latest look.

if you noticed, the hair on the sides are touching his ears (some strands are even
touching the "insides" of his ears). and this made his ears all itchy and irritated.

and the bangs. i just made sure that they're on the sides, or else it'll cover his eyes.

anyways, will be posting the "after" look. so stay tuned. ;D

Sunday, February 1

Ezra turned TWO!

january 27, 2009

a very late post.
and a very short one. :)

...with his balloons

...with his cake

... with his first drumset (mommy's gift ;D)


Saturday, January 10

SuperMOM 101

is basically a list of random stuff about me (yeah, boo!)
i figured since i don't make new year's resolutions, then i might just try this.
anyway, some of these facts are not even known by my family or close friends.
heck, i didnt even know them myself until sometime ago.

so if you're reading this, then you're one lucky SOB!
you've just stumbled upon the skeletons in my small closet.

please. im just KIDDING! :p
on the "lucky" part and of course, on the "SOB" part. *wink*
seriously, it took me sometime to figure these things out. and it actually involved a lot of
thinking and reflecting and laughing and a bit of crying...

i didn't realize "101" is a pretty large number, and making a list with that count is friggin' long.
so just a warning, this is gonna be a pretty long one (at least longer that most of my previous posts).

Anyway, enough of the chitchat, i bring to you folks...SuperMom Facts 101
(In no particular order, of course) :)

1. most of my first impressions turn out to be wrong.

2. i think i think too much.

3. i used to believe that we should "never say never", now im not even sure...

4. writing is therapeutic for me.

5. its a release.

6. and some people are my shock absorbers.

7. and their comments, advises, are my PILLS.

8. i have a son. and his name is EZRA. and he has my last name.

9. i am a single parent, and i love it.

10. im a crybaby

11. being a mom scares me. a LOT.

12. i love the smell of rain

13. taxi rides make me emotional and reflective.

14. im a CSI fanatic.

15. but im starting to enjoy "how i met your mother"

16. my first and serious dream job was to be a doctor/surgeon.

17. i admire people with talent in arts, design, photography, and baking.

18. i used to have stage fright. i think i still do.

19. ive always wanted to play drums (ezra too.)

20. i like black socks better.

21. for a girl, i never had a skirt except for uniforms. (not that i wanted to wear one!)

22. i sometimes find myself walking alone, going nowhere...and i actually enjoyed it.

23. i've always wanted to bake and design /decorate a birthday cake.

24. when i grow up, i want to be a forensic scientist. (haha)

25. ezra and i are both living with my parents and siblings. moving out is out of the
question yet.

26. i don't think il ever get married.

27. i can't picture myself in a relationship, no matter how i try.

28. it touches my heart when a stranger extends a kind hand to another stranger. :)

29. and it breaks my heart when i see a child sleeping on the side of the streets. :(

30. i bump into my ex almost everyday, and i didn't feel a thing (anger, regret, hope, etc.).
and its just weird.

31. i still haven't thought of an answer if my son would look for, or asks about, his dad.

32. i cant sleep with the lights on.

33. im attracted to nice eyes and cute smiles. (haha!)

34. i can't sleep with only one pillow.

35. im a cuddler. (not in the intimate way)

36. not a cat person. not a dog person either. but id take dogs if i aint have no choice.

37. i didn't gain or lose any breakup weight with any of my exes, but i sure gained a lot
of baby weight that didn't come off. ugh!

38. never had curls or curly hair. (maybe il try that look sometime in the future)

39. im not a video gamer. (and others may think this sucks. :p)

40. i started reading stories to my son like at least a month ago, and he like it.

41. im a licensed civil engineer.

42. i drink occasionally.

43. i drank beer when i found out i was pregnant (i was 3 weeks then), and didn't
drink again during that 9-month period.

44. i easily get drowsy on long rides and visual amusement (like that alpha at
enchanted kingdom), but i definitely don't have problems with rollercoasters. :))

45. i actually did enjoy working in customer service/support. (even if i didn't lasts
that long. and i miss it sometimes.)

46. some of my fave female artists are jewel, alanis...that's all i could think of right now.

47. I HEART music, thou im not an artist.

48. i love old songs. i find them more meaningful than some of the new random junk.

49. i don't have a fave band.

50. i can't sleep with a rough pillow case or bedsheet.

51. im halfway done with my list. and im surprised at the things i do, love, like, hate,
desire. this is getting way too personal...

52. i love pastries.

53. i LOVE desserts.

54. i don't enjoy eating plain, largely cut red meat slices. it should either have sauce,
veggies, soup, or side dish to come with it.

55. not a vegetarian though.

56. i wanna learn to drive someday.

57. i dont wear pajamas to sleep.

58. im a poor, frustrated writer.

59. i love hanging out at bookstores! reading any stuff i want, without buying at all.

60. i love wiki

61. i love watching movies, on the big screen or at home.

62. i love rainy days. especially when im at home.

63. i totally hate mondays.

64. ive always wanted to lose weight but i just didn't have the discipline to succeed.

65. when i was in hs, i got the feeling that i betrayed some friends by revealing a
group secret. and it still haunts me till now. (i still feel bad about it sometimes)

66. i missed bathing in the rain.

67. im enjoying the feeling of reconnection and closeness with old and new friends
through the internet.

68. i get attracted to picture frames, in any shape, design, or form.

69. when im on day off, i always make it a point to spend quality/bonding time
with my son by going out. and almost everytime, i give him the choice of where
to go and what to do. it may be exhausting but i enjoyed every minute of it. :)

70. sometimes, i get to think of SO MANY things that my mind unconsciously travels
farther and farther away to dreamland. then, all of a sudden, i would snap back
to reality and i couldn't even remember what i was first thinking.

71. and then, as if a maze, i'll try so hard thinking and tracing it all back, until i get
even the slightest idea what that very first thought was.

72. my greatest fear is not being really there while he's growing up.

73. im scared that my son will turn out worse than how i was when i was a kid.

74. i am actually proud to be a single mom.

75. a hopeless romantic

76. a libra

77. i sometimes enjoy mushy songs and sweet stories. (haha)

78. i adore the sunset and the beach. i would take the beach over a night party any day.

79. i feel awkward in long telephone conversations.

80. nothing beats a cup of coffee (or two) after a hard day's work.

81. i love reading a good book.

82. i used to fear that i cannot have kids.

83. id rather have a good movie or show marathon than go clubbing.

84. having a big family used to be uncomfortable for us, but not that we're grown ups,
a late night talk or a movie with my siblings just rocks.

85. i think lost self-respect is the worst feeling of all.

86. i used to believe that you should never sacrifice your heart...
now i dont know what to believe anymore.

87. i once had a journal full of complied quotable quotes, sayings, pass-on messages.

88. i dont have a dream car. and i dont care.

89. i had never worn a tube top (not that i ever wanted to. haha)

90. i enjoy grocery shopping.

91. i enjoy shopping baby stuff.

92. ive always had a hidden desire to wear high heels (haha!)

93. i love alarm clocks (even thou i don't use them)

94. i own only 3 with a broken zipper on it.

95. a dream house is one that has two storeys, a spacious kitchen counter,
a mini library, and a nice garden. everything else in it wouldn't matter as long
they're comfortable and pleasing to the eyes.

96. i love laughing till my tummy aches.

97. i answer online surveys when im bored or when i have time to kill.

98. i think online dating is weird and scary and useless and shallow.

99. im sick and tired of arrogant guys talking about women as if they(we?) exist
to make their worlds go round.

100. im may not be a perfect mom but il make sure my son will grow up
and look back thinking he lived an almost perfect life. (yeah, im hoping.)

101. i still can't believe i wrote this list. and you just discovered a hundred more stuff
about me.

thats it. done.
and im feeling a bit weird right now. hehehe!

Happy New Year Everyone!!! :) *hugs*

Tuesday, January 6

when you're a MOM

t's quite amazing how it comes so naturally...
the worrying
the anxiety
the uneasiness
the pain
and the FEAR
when your little one is not in your arms.

knowing you are not there, and will not be there
when he learns a new game
when he utters a new word or two
when he laughs
when he grows up
and you're just not there. with him. all the time.

oh, yeah. damn right im scared.
but what scares and hurts me more is the fact that he still is a child
with childish moments.
crying and whining moments that none of the people around him could understand
moments where he needs the patience, tolerance, and acceptance of a mother.
but no, im not there.
instead, he's left with an upset, irritated, hot-tempered, stay-at-home-for-the-moment-coz-he's-jobless babysitter.

and just because he's a crybaby or crankier than most kids his age,
that still doesn't give him or a anyone the right to discipline him (if you equate hitting/spanking with discipline!) their own way!!!
i admit im no righteous, saintly, model mom
of course, there are those times that id smack him in the hands or in the butt with my bare hands when he did something bad, or the times that id threaten him with the belt (and this is when im super duper tired, not-on-the-mood, almost sick mode), and the times when i've wanted to put him inside a sack and hang him upside down (yeah, bad me) but threatening him with it is by far the worst ive done, and it hurts me.
it even scares me more.
i wouldnt want an obedient and disciplined son shaped by fear.
but one shaped by respect.

its just that, when you're a mom, a lot of things (big and petty) just scare you.
i dunno with you, but stuff like these sure scares the hell out of me. :(

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