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when you're a MOM

t's quite amazing how it comes so naturally...
the worrying
the anxiety
the uneasiness
the pain
and the FEAR
when your little one is not in your arms.

knowing you are not there, and will not be there
when he learns a new game
when he utters a new word or two
when he laughs
when he grows up
and you're just not there. with him. all the time.

oh, yeah. damn right im scared.
but what scares and hurts me more is the fact that he still is a child
with childish moments.
crying and whining moments that none of the people around him could understand
moments where he needs the patience, tolerance, and acceptance of a mother.
but no, im not there.
instead, he's left with an upset, irritated, hot-tempered, stay-at-home-for-the-moment-coz-he's-jobless babysitter.

and just because he's a crybaby or crankier than most kids his age,
that still doesn't give him or a anyone the right to discipline him (if you equate hitting/spanking with discipline!) their own way!!!
i admit im no righteous, saintly, model mom
of course, there are those times that id smack him in the hands or in the butt with my bare hands when he did something bad, or the times that id threaten him with the belt (and this is when im super duper tired, not-on-the-mood, almost sick mode), and the times when i've wanted to put him inside a sack and hang him upside down (yeah, bad me) but threatening him with it is by far the worst ive done, and it hurts me.
it even scares me more.
i wouldnt want an obedient and disciplined son shaped by fear.
but one shaped by respect.

ugh.
its just that, when you're a mom, a lot of things (big and petty) just scare you.
i dunno with you, but stuff like these sure scares the hell out of me. :(

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